“You’re a Little Much for Me:” A Liability, a Contradiction, and Other Things Depression Makes of Me

If you haven’t noticed, this blog is a collection of all the media I consume and how it affects and defines my life. And although I firmly believe that media can be used in this way for good, as I have written about so far, consuming vast amounts of media can also be harmful if you internalize the wrong thing. I think that when you see a certain trope used the same way throughout every single work you come across, you may start to believe it’s true, either because you haven’t experienced it for yourself yet, or you believe your experiences are wrong since you only see it played out the other way. 

For me, the trope I always believed in was the “big romantic gesture,” where person a is going through a really depressive episode, and person b shows up, does something extremely romantic or heartfelt, and then person a’s mental problems go away, or at the very least get easier. Seeing this play out in many young-adult books, dramatic T.V. shows, and romance movies made me feel like this is how it’s supposed to be. One day my depression will be cured with this “big romantic gesture.” Of course, I knew that media dramaticizes everything, but at the very least I believed that there would be someone in my life that would hold my hand through it all, and that I just hadn’t found the right person yet, but not to worry because they will come in the end.

Now my depression didn’t just appear all of a sudden, it crept up on me slowly over the years, until it consumed my entire being, making itself known and not letting go. Through this journey, I’ve had friends and lovers drift away because it was just too much for them to handle. People who had known me from before it started flaring up said that I changed too much, and people that I had met since then didn’t know what to do once the mask was off and my walls were down.  

When I first heard the song “Liability” from Lorde, I thought this is exactly what I’m feeling, she gets it. Now, every time my depression makes itself known, I seek this song out, including this past week. I didn’t even want to write a full post explaining myself; I just wanted to put up the lyrics like it’s 2010 and this is Facebook. But that wouldn’t be good for my sake, or for the sake of this blog, so let me try, even though I will admit that it’s difficult. 

When people ask me why I’m depressed, I answer that it’s a chemical imbalance in my brain, because it is, and the result of that imbalance are bad emotions. I’ve recently been keeping track of things that trigger this feeling in me. It’s different each time, and some things that happen with certain people can affect me, while in others they don’t, so it’s hard to know what to look out for, for prevention. After writing these down in a journal this past week, I’ve noticed that almost all of the triggers have to do with the feeling of people not wanting to be with me, and the sometimes warped intuition that they want to leave me, which stems from the ending of my previous relationships. 

If Lorde describes herself as a liability, I would go ahead and describe myself as a contradiction.

I understand that what I’m going through is difficult, and that some people may not be able to handle it because they just aren’t equipped for it. I like to abide by the rule that your friends aren’t your therapist, and that they can be overwhelmed with your issues and not know what to do except leave you alone. I also believe that if something that’s going on with your friend/lover is also affecting you negatively, you should leave. So for the most part, I understand when people have left me, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt when they do, because it does, and it sticks with you and affects your other relationships. I try to reason with myself that maybe they’re just not that person that’s supposed to swoop in and help, that maybe they’re just part of the tribulations the protagonist always faces. However, as people who I thought would be in my life forever have come and gone, I start to wonder if maybe I’m the outlier and other people have found their person.

“They say,

“You’re a little much for me,

you’re a liability” (…)

So they pull back, make other plans

I understand, I’m a liability

Get you wild, make you leave.”

“Liability,” Lorde

I believe I’m partially at fault in these relationships, because no one’s ever blameless and my mental illness never makes it easy on the other person. It makes me mean, cold, distant, and emotionless, where I either seem like I don’t care about the other person or continuously lash out at them. Who would want to stay in a relationship with someone like that? I know I probably wouldn’t. 

But at the same time, I can’t help it. That’s what these disorders do, they mess things up deliberately. But just because I’m going through something, doesn’t mean I automatically get a free pass on being mean.  I try very hard not to let people see this side of me, but when you get close enough, you’re bound to. I try to be good in spite of it, but I make mistakes. I just wish people know when it’s me talking, and when it’s the cloudiness in my brain blocking me from thinking things through rationally. That my sickness has reasoned with me to end this relationship with hurtful words so that they’d leave with a firm reason, instead of letting me down slowly in the long run. But has anyone ever been in a relationship like this, where they loved the other person so much that they have the ability to have this knowledge, and push through to get to the other side? I don’t think so, at least not in real life.

I was recently rereading The Fault in Our Stars by John Green. In the book, one of the characters with cancer says to another not to blame his cancer because it’s a part of him, and it’s only trying to survive, just as he is. This book is an example of the trope I had mentioned earlier, but it does make some valid points along the way. My depression is a sickness that seems like it will be there with me for the rest of my life, it will be something that I will need to learn to cope with and work towards battling. But it’s fundamentally a part of me, and if someone wants to be in my life, then that’s part of the package. You can’t have one without the other. I think that it’s okay for people to turn that deal down, because they don’t want to be liable for anything that happens to you. I’m trying to see it from their point of view; I agree that this might be too much. It certainly is for me, and I don’t want to drag someone else down with me. I’ve come to slowly accept that what they said in those pieces of media are wrong, that there’s not someone that’s going to come into my life to make everything better and ease my pain. I have to do that for myself (with the help of doctors, of course). 

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Lorde said that “Liability” isn’t about a specific person in her life, but the result of many relationships that ended up with her having to be her own best friend. I know in my brain that I should not rely on other people, and to focus on my own strength, but some days, I’m tired of having to fight for myself all the time. I’ve done that for my entire life. I want someone else to stick up for me. To help me carry the burden, and contradict all the negative thoughts I have about myself. To love me and care for me in these desperate times the way they do in the normal and happy times. 

“I was just like, “It’s always going to be this way, at some point with everyone it’s going to be this way.” But the song kind of ended up turning into a bit of a protective talismans for me. I was like, you know what, I’m always gonna have myself so I have to really nurture this relationship and feel good about hanging out with myself and loving myself.”

Lorde on “Liability”

When I first read Lorde speaking on the meaning of the song, I was upset. Obviously I know the song is not mine, but this whole time it felt like it was ripped straight from my heart, so to hear her thoughts contradicting my own wishes hurt me. But as time has gone on, I realized she’s right. I have to nurture this relationship with myself because when everyone else leaves, I’ll be all I have left, and I need to have the strength to lift myself back up and not succumb to my sickness.

Lorde also mentioned in the same post that she had a friend that described themselves as “an acquired taste.” I loved that phrase as soon as I read it. Although I understand that I won’t ever have a “big romantic gesture,” and that people will come and go in my life, they’re here for now. They’re trying to help and be there in the way they can, and I can’t have lifelong friends if I don’t survive today, and their presence is absolutely helping me survive the day to day. And who knows, maybe I’ve yet to find the person who will stay with me for a while; I for one love the prospect of being “an acquired taste.” But I guess that’s just part of the continuing, contradicting, melodrama of it all.