Taylor Swift’s new album, Lover, comes out this week, and as you can probably tell from the title of the album, it’s about the different kinds of love we experience and the journeys we take in order to get them. The titular song off the album was released recently, and I have been playing it nonstop. It’s one of Taylor’s most romantic songs, even though it might not seem that way compared to her other love songs. When I first listened to it, I thought it was good, but a little too simplistic. But as I listened to it more, I realized that the simple melody and lyrics defined love better than any fancy and superfluous metaphors that I’ve seen before. Instead of talking about the shining and exciting days that we associate with love, it’s more reminiscent of nights where you stay at home with nothing to do except enjoy the company of your lover. It’s also about the simple things in a relationship, like saving someone a seat or wanting to be where they are.
There are so many wonderful love songs out there, plenty of which I’ve talked about on this blog. But the anticipation of this album along with the release of this song, has got me thinking about which songs I think truly show me what love is. These songs are what I reference when I think about whether I’m in love with somebody.
“No proof, one touch, but you felt enough. / You can hear it in the silence.”
When my girlfriend once asked me why I kept wanting to make our relationship work even though it felt like the world was pitted against us, I responded with something along the lines of, “because I see something in you.” I personally don’t believe in love at first sight, maybe not even crush at first sight. None of my relationships were ever like that, but I do think that on the path to love, there will be a moment when you see something in the other person that makes you want to continue being with them.
For me, one of the true tests of if I can move forward in this relationship is whether or not I feel completely comfortable with them. I’m naturally very quiet, not because I don’t have anything to say, but because I usually feel like everything I want to say is unwanted or unnecessary. When I’m fully comfortable with someone, even if we just met, conversation feels easy. There’s never a dull moment; I just want to keep listening and talking for hours. At the same time though, the silence on my end doesn’t feel forced, it feels natural. I don’t feel like I’m holding my tongue, just taking a breath. And when there is silence, I don’t feel the need to fill it. We’re okay, and even happy, simply just being in the presence of one another.
“And the living room becomes a garden / And everything grows.”
“Oh My Gosh Angelika, we get it, you love The Band’s Visit.” Yes I do, and yes I have talked about them many times on and off of my blog. But while we’re speaking about conversations, let’s talk about this scene between my favorite on-stage couple of all time, Dina and Tewfiq. In the show, Dina and Tewfiq come from two very different lifestyles and cultures, but the one thing that they do have in common is the appreciation of traditional Arabic art, specifically the music of Oum Kulthum and the movies of Omar Sharif.
Before this scene, both of them have been communicating through the walls they have up, but as soon as they find this connection, they can’t help but gush about the artists and open themselves up more to each other. This song in the show is used for a variety of purposes, including the establishment of the main romance in the show. This is the moment Tewfiq and Dina fall for each other, brilliantly created and emulating real life. They fall for each other not through some big romantic gesture, but through commonalities with each other in conversation, talking about things they probably haven’t talked about with anybody for years.
Being in love to me means sharing the things that are special to you with great vulnerability. It’s talking about memories, feelings, likes, and dislikes, that may take great strength to talk about because no one’s expressed interest before. To me it’s also about reciprocating when your partner does this to you. It’s about taking note of the things they like and finding out more about them, so that you can incorporate those interests into your life, too.
“Pano nasagot lahat ng bakit? / Pano mo naitama ang tadhana?”
“How did you answer all my “why’s?” / How did you fix my fate?”
Earlier in the year, I wrote a post about how love doesn’t magically fix all your problems and mental illnesses. That’s what I believed in when I was growing up, but eventually faced a harsh reality after a terrible spell resulting in an argument with my partner. While I do still agree with what I said in that post, being in love did change some things for the better. For one, some of the things I was insecure of in myself became less significant. I used to always obsess about the way I looked and all my bodily imperfections, but I found that I simply don’t have the free time to think about that. I have also grown comfortable in any state that I’m in due to the welcoming feeling and the many compliments my lover gives.
When you’re with someone for a long time, you get to see them in many situations and in many looks. I distinctly remember seeing my girlfriend sit up and seeing rolls on her stomach, and I thought to myself, “she’s thinner than me, but she still gets rolls.” From then on I forgave myself a little more for having them myself, knowing that I could never be thin enough to not have them. Other times I’d compliment her on her beauty and she’d point out her acne, which I wouldn’t have even noticed. When I’d see the same thing on me, I’d think to myself if I’d love my girlfriend any less for having a few spots on her face, and my answer would be no. Why would I subject myself to the same critique if I couldn’t fault her for having the same problem?
In Moira Dela Torre’s song “Tagpuan,” she uses parallel lyrics to compare her broken relationship with her family, to the beginning of her relationship to her boyfriend, now husband. In the first verse, she talked about how she felt like she was cursed with a permanent broken heart, but later uses the same lyrics with a more positive outlook by saying that her broken past is what led her to the love of her life.
At the beginning of my current relationship, I was also still weighed down by my past relationships and friendships that have gone wrong. I distinctly remember bringing it up and crying about it on our early dates when she would ask a simple question that would trigger something in me. This showed me a couple of things. First of all, I was comfortable enough with her to share pieces of my past that actively affected how I act instead of hiding them like I usually do. Secondly, she was patient enough to listen and comfort me at those times, and despite hearing all my baggage she still liked me enough to keep getting to know me. Then, when I opened up, so did she; we were a comfort to each other and helped undo each other’s past traumas. And finally, I realized that over time, I’ve healed those scars with her help. I see things in a new way now, see people in a better light, and allowed myself to let go. That doesn’t mean that what’s past is permanently gone, but it’s lessened now. In the times it does come up, I have someone by my side to help me.
“Steering clear of any headaches to start. / I’m better off without him.”
I’ve always associated this song with an ex of mine. He did a lot of similar things the subject of the song did, and he also made me feel like I should withhold everything so there wouldn’t be any drama. Even though I really liked him, I knew I was better off without him. Now, every time I get in a fight with a significant other, I think of this song and wonder if I’m heading towards the same path as this particularly harmful relationship.
How do you know if you’re better off without someone? Even though I like to imagine a thousand scenarios in my head per minute, I still can’t answer that question completely. Is it when your life is turning into shambles because of something in your relationship? Is it when you lose all passion for the other person and only keep them around because you’ve been together for so long? Is it when you see better people or opportunities waiting for you once you get out of this relationship? I’m not sure, but I think all of the above can be a reason to separate. But I also know this, if I truly love someone, sometimes that love can be enough to justify staying with them despite these reasons. Sometimes, if the love is right and is mutually there, you can work towards getting out of bad situations and improve your life, as well as your relationship.
I think once you’re in true love it stays, but what fades is passion. When passion fades, we’re left with a choice. Do we continue being together or do we leave? For me who you love isn’t a choice, but staying in love is. You can choose to make it better, or you can choose to let it go. If our love is enough, I will give it a try to make things better, but if they love me too, I fully expect the other person to try just as hard.
“If I say I love him, you might think my words come cheap. / What more can I say?”
I fall in love too easily, but I fall out of it pretty quickly too. Because of this, I’m extra careful of saying the words “I love you.” I don’t want to tell someone I love them, only to regret it later. I remember in a previous relationship my boyfriend said “you don’t love me” as part of a joke and my immediate response was “yes I do,” without really thinking about it and immediately regretted it because I didn’t love him. Saying it too quickly without thinking about it, or worse, just as a response to someone saying they love you, is a disservice to the other person as much as it is to yourself, because they’ll think you’re on the same level as them when that’s not your truth.
How do I consider myself ready to say those three words? Well, the first moment I usually think about telling them are like those in the scenario. They do something thoughtful or cute and my brain’s immediate response is to tell them I love them. But ever since that particular moment in the scenario, I’ve formed a good delay in between my brain and my mouth, so it’s nothing more than a seed planted in my brain. A lot of times I will look at the other person and realize that I’ve fallen for them completely, but even then I still stop myself.
How I make sure I do love them is by seeing whether or not I still feel like telling them I love them in hard or ordinary times. For example, when we have an argument, I think to myself, “do I still love them,” and deal with continuing or ending the argument using that answer. If I haven’t told them I loved them yet, and the answer to that question was yes, then that’s when I decide I’m ready. The next moment that I feel the need to tell them I love them, I won’t stop myself because I know I truly am in love.
What’s important about saying I love you is that it’s first and foremost a truth to yourself. It’s accepting that this person is important to your life and no longer trying to hide it from yourself and the other person. These songs have defined what being in love is like for me. Love is “honey in [your] ears, spice in [your] mouth.” It’s something you “can feel in the silence,” and it makes you want to “go where they go,” because you know you’re “better off” with them. Being in love helps you let go of your past, because it led you to the person you have now. It’s what you say when everything you feel can be encompassed in those three words. To love and be someone’s lover, that’s the bravest thing I know of doing.
Defining Angelika 